A Boy and His Blank

If you've ever tried the dating sites, there are a handful of statements that people that feel archetypal. Lately, I've been converting the profiles with these tried and true phrases into the classic Dungeons and Dragons classes, because after years of being in Boston, I feel like I've got almost enough data to apply a taxonomy to the population. 

Actually, I definitely have enough data, and I'm going to have my paper published in a scientific journal next fall. Since I don't expect you to be that patient (I mean, you're reading this post in the present, not the future,) here's the TLDR 

Likes "long walks on the beach" = Cleric

"I'm not like other _____" = Witch/Wizard

;) = Rogue

"Must love dogs" = Warrior

You can definitely multi-class (at least in this city,) but that's not why I bring it up. I divulge the fruits of my very scientific study because the last one, "must love dogs," has further evidence than just Boston's dating scene: its also present, nay prevalent in the world of the written word. The pairing of man and man's best friend is quintessential, defining the truest forms of friendship and belonging, or subverting them to recognize the suppositions we make about these wrote relationships.

I would say more, but you look like you want some evidence. Don't worry buckaroo, I brought receipts!

THE RECEIPTS:

A Boy and His Dog by Harlan Ellison

In an alternate world in which John F. Kennedy survived and scientific breakthroughs in animal research and telepathy allow for advanced communication with animal companions, fifteen-year-old Vic and his telepathic dog, Blood, scavenge the wastelands of a war-torn United States, survivors of a nuclear World War III between the Americans and the Soviets. While Blood guides Vic toward women—to be used for sex—Vic ensures that Blood has food, but the symbiotic relationship is put at risk when the pair meets Quilla June Holmes, who lures the boy to an underground civilization.

A Boy and His Dog at the End of the World by C. A. Fletcher

"My name's Griz. My childhood wasn't like yours. I've never had friends, and in my whole life I've not met enough people to play a game of football.

My parents told me how crowded the world used to be, but we were never lonely on our remote island. We had each other, and our dogs.

Then the thief came.

There may be no law left except what you make of it. But if you steal my dog, you can at least expect me to come after you.

Because if we aren't loyal to the things we love, what's the point?"

 

A Boy and a Dog (not his) and his Friend who Dies at the End

A drug that can destroy the fabric of reality itself falls into the hands of two small-town dudes who are in no way equipped to deal with it. Will anyone make it out alive? The fact that this book has multiple sequels would suggest the answer is "yes."

 

The Horse and His Boy by C. S. Lewis

A young boy named Shasta is on the run from his homeland with the talking horse, Bree. When the pair discover a deadly plot by the Calormen people to conquer the land of Narnia, the race is on to warn the inhabitants of the impending danger and to rescue them all from certain death.

a Moon Girl and her Devil Dinosaur by Reeder, Montclare, and Bustos

Lunella Lafayette is a preteen genius who wants to change the world, but lives in fear of the Inhuman genes inside her! Now, Lunella's life is turned upside down when a red-scaled beast is teleported from the prehistoric past to a far-flung future we call…today! Together they're the most Marvelous Team-Up of all - Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur! But will they be BFFs forever, or just until DD's dinner time? And Lunella soon learns that there are other problems with having a titanic T-Rex as a pet in the modern-day Marvel Universe. School, for one. Monster hunters are another - especially when they're the Totally Awesome Hulk! Then there's the fact that everyone's favorite dino didn't journey through time alone. Beware the prehistoric savages known as the Killer-Folk - New York City's deadliest tourists! 

"a cat and her dinosaur" by Matt Dinniman

You know what’s worse than breaking up with your girlfriend? Being stuck with her prize-winning show cat. And you know what’s worse than that? An alien invasion, the destruction of all man-made structures on Earth, and the systematic exploitation of all the survivors for a sadistic, intergalactic game show. That’s what.

Join Coast Guard vet Carl and his ex-girlfriend’s cat, Princess Donut, as they try to survive the end of the world—or just get to the next level—in a video game-like, trap-filled fantasy dungeon. A dungeon that’s actually the set of a reality television show with countless viewers across the galaxy. Exploding goblins. Magical potions. Deadly, drug-dealing llamas. This ain’t your ordinary game show.

Welcome, Crawler. Welcome to the Dungeon. Survival is optional. Keeping the viewers entertained is not.

Boy, with Accidental Dinosaur by Ian McDonald

Come one, come all to the dinosaur rodeo! Tif Tamim wants nothing more than to be a dinosaur buckaroo. An orphan in search of a place to rest his head and a job to weigh down his pockets, Tif has bounced from circus to circus, yearning for a chance to ride a prehistoric beauty under the sparkling lights of a big-top. To become a buckaroo, Tif needs to learn the tools of the trade, yet few dino maestros want to take a scrawny nobody from nowhere under their wing. But when Tif frees a dino from an abusive owner and braves the roving gangs of the formerly-American west to bring the dino to safety, he catches someone's eye. And boy, how those eyes dazzle Tif from the back of a bucking carnotaur.

HOW'S THAT FOR CITED SOURCES?

Huh? Those are just back-cover synopsis? Well yeah, I wasn't gonna spoil them for you. I may be making grandiose claims over here, but I still believe in the power of discovery, and not spoiling nerds on the internet. Anyhow, you start reading the books, and I'll start working on the Good-Evil alignment portion of my paper. I'm thinking for warriors it's probably something like...

"Must Love Dogs" - imperative, an order, complemented with a mailed fist - Evil

"Must Love Dogs" - because they're divine and babies and morally correct - Good

"Must Love Dogs" - practical, because if someone doesn't, they might be a Skeletor in disguise - Neutral

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Ben Doane has been a member of the Pandemonium Team since 2019, and has been playing wargames, rpgs, and tcgs since 2004 and earlier. When not blogging, Ben runs the wargames and mailing departments, and also puts together the store's newsletters. Her current favorite book is Soul Hunter by Aaron Dembski-Bowden.